There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
