Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
