I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
