Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
