I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
a search helicopter?!
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
