Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
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