Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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