you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
