I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
