i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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