Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
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