the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
