So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
