I don't usually arrange sex via text message
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just puked most of my soul out..
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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