And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
