are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
