life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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