If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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