oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
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