I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
