All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
