I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
