Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
