she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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