I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
