omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
