Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize