thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
