Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
