I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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