It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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