Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
