my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
