mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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