i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
