The maid of honor just puked.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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