I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
