So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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