I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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