I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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