y did u give ur computer a hand job?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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