In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
