you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
