saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize