That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
