you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
