i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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