No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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