some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
