My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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