A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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