My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
