First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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