i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
