I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
where are my eyebrows?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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