If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
