He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
either way he was missing a nipple.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
