Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
