Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
