You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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