I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
